How to make hard decisions
And how to make it less painful
Sometimes, when a tough decision comes along, it amazes me that I’ve survived so long without having a ton of skill navigating the decision making process. For some reason, this seemingly innate task of deciding between options can be incredibly hard. My latest conundrum is the struggle to decide whether to go to the doctor for an annual check-up. After experiencing quite a few doctors with barely a One-Star bedside manner, I’ve become increasingly more anxious about returning to a doctor’s office. This emotional state is a roadblock in my ability to decide. It feels as if I’m trying to decide between going to the moon and chilling on my back porch to drink coffee. It might seem obvious from an outside perspective, yet on the individual level it’s a landscape littered with landmines. This conundrum has made me curious to understand how we find happiness and peace whilst making hard decisions.
When I look a little closer at my current situation, it is hard to untangle the “self” that is making the decision and the compulsive thinking mind that muddies the waters of choice, logic, emotion, and fluidity. It’s clear that I value health and wellness. These are likely my highest values and most of my decisions go through a type of filter that says something like, “is this good for me and my body”, or “will I die if I do this”. I also recognize there is a dysfunctional part of my mind that is afraid of the boogey man, and untangling this may be my life’s work.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt a strong urge to “do the right thing”, to be the best, or to be “perfect”. This has been a very painful trait in my life, leading to a few emotional breakdowns over the years and now this choice presents itself as the world-ending decision “to be or not to be, that is the question”.
I think many of us have crossed our fingers and hoped to have a sixth sense about what we choose. We might think, “If I feel a particular way, that must be the right choice” or “If I see a sign, that will be the path I follow”. This strategy is troublesome at best and makes me think of casino gambling…one more hand, one more tug of the slot machine and I will come out on top.
Feeling like doing something can be a misleading measure for the goal of the doing. We may not feel like brushing our teeth, but if we don’t, we may bring a lot of unnecessary pain into our mouths in the form of tooth decay and disease. And for whatever reason, the dentist office represents zero emotional pain for me. I have been fortunate to have had great experiences with dentists and my teeth have remained healthy because of the habits that I’ve maintained for my life. Yet, the doctor’s office is fraught with terror. I have been in a number of doctor’s offices and things have always felt off. I’m always worried what they might say, and confused about the way they communicate. I’m sure at some point I must have experienced something good in a doctor’s office, but nothing comes to mind.
Maybe it’s their training? Hardened by the difficult schooling and the grueling testing. The culture of doctoring can appear to be factory-like in many ways, moving products swiftly through the system, forced to be automatons. Or maybe it’s just me? My fear of death or of not having control? My mistrust of institutions that exert power or control over others?
My fear of doctors seems to be driving the boat on my decision making approach; rather than me relying on my values, which as I’ve stated before, lean towards health, wellness, longevity, and self care. Still, part of me is still skeptical whether a physician can accommodate my fear and strain and provide me with a service that feels kind and supportive.
What’s the point in me even going? To challenge my anxiety? To prove to myself it’s not all that bad? To get confirmation that I’m healthy?
The Way Forward
Decisions are hard to make, not because there is one right answer and one wrong answer, but because there often isn’t one clear right or wrong answer. We may never be certain. Accepting this fact may be the key to finding peace with decision making.
To help make decisions, it is beneficial to clarify what is important to you, or to clarify your values. Values will help you better understand your needs as you make challenging decisions. It’s also good to recognize when fear, the past, anxiety, or a mood disorder is driving your decisions. A good discerning look in the mirror or a self interview can be helpful to understand what is moving you in one direction or another, or is causing you to freeze altogether.
In Summary
Realizing that there may not be a right or a wrong answer can both be unnerving and liberating. The perspective you choose to take is largely your own. You may not make the right choice, but you must shoot for the choice that you can live with. That may be the greatest barometer I can find for making hard decisions.
